


you said i was the sun, but i was really the moon (you've always been the sun)

by makemelovely



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/F, F/M, Girls in Love, Minor Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf, The Moon - Freeform, The sun - Freeform, b is the moon, envy - Freeform, mentioned Nate Archibald/Serena van der Woodsen, s is the sun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-28 22:26:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13913454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: Blair always wanted to be center of universe.//or the one where Serena is the sun, and Blair is the moon. Jealousy runs rampant among the solar system.





	you said i was the sun, but i was really the moon (you've always been the sun)

It starts like this: “Can I sit here?” A little girl with golden hair and a bright smile to match asks the brunette seven year old sitting sullen on the steps of the met. She’s eating yogurt while her father stands at the top of the steps chatting with a handsome man. The blonde is wearing pigtails and an orange sundress. She’s got a tupperware container with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and carrots in it.

 

The brunette hesitates before conceding, jerking her head to let the blonde know which side she should sit on. “I’m Blair Waldorf. I’m sure you’ve heard of me.” Blair says, adjusting the silk headband on her head.

 

“Yeah, maybe. I’ve probably heard my mom mention you or your parents. I’m Serena Van der Woodsen.” The blonde smiles warmly, flipping golden hair over her shoulder.

 

Blair’s eyes narrow, mouth tightening. Serena thinks it looks like she’s swallowed a lemon. The thought of how _not_ in awe of Blair Serena is makes the brunette upset. How could she not know Blair? “Yeah, well,” Blair snaps, nails digging into her white tights. Her eyes glow with anger, and her nostrils flare in the slightest. “I’ve heard your Daddy didn’t even want you and your brother, so.” Blair regrets the words the moment they leave her lips, and she wishes she could swallow them back.

 

Serena flinches, jerking back as if she’d been hit. Her lower lip wobbles and tears pool in her blue eyes, and she stands up to leave. “That was mean.” Serena’s voice wobbles precariously, and she turns to leave.

 

“Wait!” Blair jumps to her feet, reaching over and catching her elbow. “That _was_ mean, and I’m sorry. Can I buy you an ice cream?” Blair offers, eyes dark with unsaid apologies. Serena’s teeth catch her lower lip, and after a moment of consideration, she lets Blair buy her an ice cream cone.

 

This is how an iconic friendship starts.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Do you ever think what would’ve happened if we hadn’t become friends?”_

_“Well, I’d have gotten into Yale, and you’d have overdosed on coke.”_

_“What? Why am I dead?”_

_“Because you couldn’t live without me. Obviously.”_

_“Right. Obviously.”_

_The moon can’t exist without the sun, but she likes to pretend she can. The moon has always been a liar._

 

* * *

 

 

They are eleven when they kiss each other for the first time. “We should practice.” Serena declares, collapsing onto the couch beside Blair, and taking her hand.

 

“Practice what?” Blair mumbles, refusing to look up from her math homework. She was in the advanced math class, and Serena wasn’t. Blair never told her, but it thrilled her to no end. She scribbles out an answer, moving onto the next one which she answers in seconds. They range from hard to ridiculously easy.

 

“Kissing. Duh!” Serena laughs, reaching over and gently tugging on Blair’s perfect curls. Blair slaps her hand away, glancing up quickly to shoot her an irritated frown. “C’mon, Blair, don’t you want to practice so you can be good for Nate?” Serena persuades gently, placing her hand on Blair’s arm to stop her scribbling.

 

Blair’s hand freezes, slowly setting the pencil down. She twists to face Serena, crossing her legs and accidentally flashing Serena with her purple underwear which peeks out from her gray skirt. “What do you mean?” Blair asks carefully, eyebrows furrowed quizzically.

 

“I mean, don’t you want Nate to think you’re great at kissing? Boys like when a girl is experienced at kissing.” Serena explains, her voice dripping with scientific knowledge.

 

Blair nodded, primly reaching into her bag and pulling out a breath mint. “Here.” Serena frowned at the offending mint, glaring at Blair. “For your breath, S. Don’t be mad. Here, I’ll take one too.” Blair popped one into her mouth, eyebrow raised as she waited for Serena to do the same. Serena takes one, and they sit in silence until the mints have dissolved.

 

“Ready?” Serena asks, giggling nervously. She hadn’t been this nervous when Peter K. had tried to kiss her yesterday.

 

Blair rolls her eyes, and grabbed Serena’s shoulders. She dragged the blonde forward, pressing her lips to Serena’s as if it was nothing. They kissed with closed-mouths, and fingers pressed against skin that was open to the public for observation. Serena’s fingers were warm, and Blair’s skin was cold.

 

They pulled apart, Serena’s eyes closed and Blair’s open. “You taste like strawberry.” Blair tells her, grinning as Serena opens her eyes.

 

“You taste like Dr. Pepper.” Serena shares. Maybe that’s why it’s Serena’s favorite drink.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Was it worth it?” The sun asks the moon._

_No, it wasn’t, the moon doesn’t say._

_“Yes.” The moon lies, and the sun believes her._

 

* * *

 

 

They turn fifteen, and they collide like a supernova.

 

Serena’s teeth clash against Blair’s, and she giggles against the brunette’s lips. Blair’s tongue slides into her mouth, sliding smoothly against Serena’s with practiced ease. Blair pulls back, laughing with swollen lips. Serena kissed against her neck, sucking on her pulse point. Blair jerked, moaning loudly in the quiet supply closet. “Shh.” Serena whispers, sliding a hand against the exposed flesh between her stockings and her skirt. Blair laughed, arms wrapped around Serena’s skinny hips. Serena’s fingers flex against Blair’s skirt band, grinning when her nails scrape against Blair’s abdomen, drawing a gasp from her. “You’ll get us caught, and then Nate will be pissed.” Serena warns, dropping quick kisses against Blair’s jaw.

 

Blair laughs, but the sound is oddly hollow. “Nate won’t care unless he can watch and get some girl on girl jerk off material.” Blair mumbled, pushing Serena away from her. She adjusts her clothes in silence, swallowing nervously as she reapplies her lip gloss. “Ready to make our grand return to history class?” Blair asks once she finishes fussing with her headband.

 

Serena nods, numbly following Blair to history as the shorter girl talks about the Shepherd wedding they are to attend the next day. The next day, Serena dresses in a gold dress and fucks Blair’s boyfriend while all the while her mind cries out _Blair!_ She leaves for boarding school that night, and doesn't bother calling Blair. She’ll just confess her love for the girl, and Serena knows Blair doesn’t want that. She burns her world down behind her just to ensure she doesn’t look back.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Did you ever miss me?” The moon asks._

_“Of course.” The sun answers, painfully honest. “Every day.”_

_“Then why didn’t you come back?”_

_“I didn’t want to.” The sun answers, as if it’s as simple as that._

_The truth is that it actually is as simple as that._

 

* * *

 

 

Serena returns in a blur of golden hair and awkward smiles. She returns with the scent of hairspray, and the feeling that she is infringing where she’s not wanted.

 

“Why didn’t you call?” Blair asks once, brown eyes glistening with tears.

 

Serena looks at her, and looks at her, and looks at her. She can’t bring herself to answer so she doesn’t.

 

They don’t fit together as smoothly anymore. They aren’t puzzle pieces. They are the wrong key turning in a lock so they are stilted and jammed in an abrupt, unpleasant manner.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Was it always going to end like this?”_

_“I don’t see how it could end any other way.”_

_You decide who is saying what line. You write their story for them, and turn the darkness golden._

 

* * *

 

 

They turn sixteen, and they are _just_ friends. They don’t kiss anymore (late night sleepy kisses don’t count) and the only romantic things they do together are reenact scenes from Breakfast at Tiffany’s because Blair insists on doing it and she needs a partner. Blair always looks at her, and sometimes Serena wishes she could kiss her because Blair’s tears catch on her eyelashes, and she looks stunning.

 

They go shopping, and once they try on lingerie together. Blair tries on this black lacy bra, and it looks great against her pale skin. She turns around, dark hair curled over her shoulder, and Serena wants to press kisses against her shoulder blades and spine and everywhere on her body. Blair crosses her arms over her stomach, and shrugs her shirt on, playing with the hem of her silky blue button-up blouse.

 

Serena steps out in a bright pink bra with a bow on the front, but it’s too dark to flash vibrantly against her tan skin so she changes. Serena steps out again in a lacy red bra, grinning at her reflection. She looks stunning, and the red compliments her skin tone. “S, you look hot!” Blair looks awed, and something dark and hungry glints in her dark eyes.

 

“Thanks, B.” Serena smiles, and it looks effortless. Serena wants to push Blair up against the dressing room wall, and kiss her so hard that her dark red lipstick smudges. Serena longs for it so much, and it feels as if she can touch it if she waits long enough. Blair is looking at her, something indecipherable in her eyes.

 

They stay there, staring in silence until Serena buys the red bra, and pulls her yellow tank top on. The red straps are clearly visible, and the material is visible even through the material of her top. Blair keeps looking over, and Serena wants to hold her hand. They put their heads close together at the duck pond, and they both want so incredibly hard for something that won’t happen.

 

* * *

 

 

_“I think I’d like to be the sun now.” The moon says wistfully._

_The sun laughs, loud and vibrant. “But you aren’t the sun. I am.” The sun points out, rather practically in her opinion._

_The moon frowns, hurt flickering across her surface. “Yes, but I could do it too. I can even create light.” The moon smiles proudly._

_The sun laughs, unintentionally cruel. “All you do is reflect the light I provide you.”_

_The moon never says, I can be you._

_The moon never says, I can be a_ better _you._

 

* * *

 

 

Blair looks at Serena, brown eyes swimming with tears that she’s too proud to shed. _Why?_ Blair wants to ask. She wants to demand answers, but she’s too afraid of what Serena could say. “How could you?” Blair asks instead, her heart beating openly in her bloody hands. Serena’s reaching out to reclaim the beating bloody mess, her tan skin stained red.

 

Serena wants to cry, so she does. Serena’s never been one to deny herself or her emotions. She lives them, however messy they may be. “B, you have to believe that I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done.” Serena’s voice cracks, and it’s painfully emotional. She’s pleading, and Blair can’t stand it.

 

“Bullshit!” She spits out, subtly shuddering. “That’s bullshit, S. If you were actually sorry you’d have told me.” Blair isn’t sure what she’s more upset about. Is it the fact that her best friend fucked her boyfriend? Or that the girl she’s eighty percent in love with never bothered to confide in her? Either way, she’s devastated.

 

Serena steps forward, crowding around Blair. “B, how could you think that? I love you. I never meant to hurt you, and that’s why I didn’t come sooner. I knew it would kill you.” Serena whispers urgently, reaching out and grasping Blair’s pale hand.

 

“Then pick a catchy phrase to put on my headstone because I’m dead.” Blair withdraws her hand from Serena’s, walking away. Her high heels clack, and Serena stares numbly at the spot where the brunette previously stood. The clacking stops, and Serena finds the strength to look up. Her blue eyes meet Blair’s tearful brown ones, and she can’t breathe. “You killed me, S.” Blair tells her clearly, something hollow in her baby browns. Serena chokes, and Blair leaves. They both cry that night, and the night after that. They drown in their tears, and it is _all_ preventable.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Will you miss me when I’m gone?” The sun asks idly, tracing her warm fingers against the moon’s cold skin._

_“What do you mean?” The moon replies, eyes closed as she basks in the warmth of the sun._

_“When my warmth goes out, and I disappear.” The sun clarifies, eyes drifting shut as she curls closer to moon. She’s been too warm for too long, and she never seems to get colder._

_The moon opens an eye, grinning slyly. “You’ll never fade away. Who would ever provide me with warmth?” The moon laughs, silky smooth._

_The sun doesn’t tell the moon that she was never warm. She always gives the heat back._

 

* * *

 

 

Serena marries Nate because it feels right. It should always be them, golden in the sunlight and in the darkness. They get married in the summer, the prime time for tan skin and golden hair. Blair marries Dan, and they read pretentious books in foreign languages for fun. Then they debate them, and have debate sex. Serena walks in on them once, and hates herself for wishing she was the one with Blair.

 

They have kids, and they joke about how they’ll get married someday. It’ll be a grand wedding, and it will be the wedding of the century. Serena never mentions that Blair surely wants it be the grandest wedding of all time. Dan does, and Serena hasn’t felt this much resentment in a long time.

 

Serena loves Blair, and Blair loves Serena. It’s a fact, one that can not change. It’s a universal law, like gravity.

 

Every single day, Serena wants to kiss Blair.

 

Every single day, Serena doesn’t let herself kiss Blair.

 

It’s a tragedy.

 

* * *

 

 

_They never tell you that the moon is pretty, but worthless. She is cold while the sun is warm. All we ever need is warmth, and all the moon provides is a chill. She will never experience what it’s like to be warm, and the sun can never help her with it. The sun can slide her heat, but the poor moon always slides it back. They never tell you that the moon is nothing compared to the sun. They allow her to believe she is warm, but she is no sun. She’ll never be the sun, no matter how much she wants to be._

 


End file.
